I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
