I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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