I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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