I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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