that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
