He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
So. Much. Porn.
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