Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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