Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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