I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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