How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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