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is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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