Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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