I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
