just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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