My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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