I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I enjoy the company of your penis
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
