Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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