i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
