I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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