i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
