I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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