Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
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