It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
