Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
