I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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