2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i came on her dog
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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