so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
