Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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