Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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