so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
