I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
