I would go down on you faster than GM stock
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm both gender and math confused
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
