I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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