I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
