I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
