I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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