mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
