I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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