I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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