Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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