I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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