my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
