There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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