why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize