If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
