Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
