Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
