At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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