I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
