I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
