my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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