There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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