Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
