just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
